Skip to main content

When Things Go From Black And White To Gray

Dear sweet girl,

Life is a funny thing. It dangles something great in front of you, waiting for you to become crazy over it, and then takes it away, without any warning. Or worse, it leaves this really great thing in your life, only you can't have it the way you want it.

You are a special kind of blessing on this earth. You love passionately and hard. You play it on the safe side to try and protect that delicate heart that already knows heartbreak all too well. You take all the necessary precautions to ensure that you won't get hurt, but it stills happens. You fall for a guy even though you didn't intend to. You know you shouldn't like him, but you do.

When life gives you the perfect guy in the form of a friend, do you break the rules and try and make him yours, or play it safe and watch him get hurt by someone because they aren't you?

 It's cruel and unfair. We're literally the same person split in two, and all we'll probably ever be is just friends. And the sad thing is, he's the best friend I'll ever have, which makes the entire thing so bittersweet.

 It leaves you with an impossible question: When the time comes to walk away, is it settling for someone less right for you, or is it moving on?

And that's why it hurts so badly. I hate myself for feeling like I'm giving up on a potentially amazing relationship; one filled with many amazing memories. I tell myself that I would never be able to find someone as right for me as him, and in some ways, I may be right.

I'm terrified to know what might happen if he knew. Would he tell me he has always felt the same way, or did I just ruin an amazing friendship? Things could never change because the unknown of all this scares me more than actually just telling him. Would I like more? Sure, but I would never jeopardize our friendship for a relationship that could fail, resulting in losing a best friend and a boyfriend.

But right now, I'm okay and content with how things are. I care and love him enough to respect our friendship and not cross the line. I'll always be his best friend that he can rant to about his girl drama and listen to him say time after time how he could never be with a girl that has a flaw like some of mine. And little by little, I feel like I build up the strength to only be friends, and then he says or does something, and it knocks me off my feet once more.


Love,
That same sweet girl with the same fragile heart






Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Lessons Learned

18 years. 216 months. 936 weeks. 6750 days. 157680 hours. 9460800 minutes. 567648000 seconds. Life has a funny way of getting away from you really quickly. One minute you're 5 running around a farm chasing barn cats and feeding the goats, and the next minute you're crying over boys and getting ready to pack up everything and move away to college. But the thing I've come to realize is that life didn't change, you  changed. You might fall down, but you need to learn how to stand back up, brush it off, and never let the same thing knock you over twice. 1. People are temporary; So are feelings. It's a part of life. One of the hardest things I've had to learn how to deal with is how to say goodbye to people I didn't want to let go of, and hello to people I was skeptical about letting in. I didn't want to say goodbye because I was happy and content, and even if I wasn't all the time, it's still what I was used to, a...
Post a Comment
Read more

When It's Real

I've never been okay with myself. I've never liked what I've seen in the mirror. I've never accepted my body. I've always wondered what it feels like to be skinny, and thin, and wake up in the morning with cute pj's and messy hair, that 'just woke up look' and still have someone think I'm attractive. To have guys look at me and want to be my boyfriend, and have girls jealous of me as I walk past. I wonder what it feels like to feel my hipbones and collarbones, to feel confident in a bikini, to sit down and not feel fat everywhere, or rub out the thighs of all of my pants. I wonder what it's like to look in the mirror and like what I see. I spent most of my time running away from love because I was afraid they wouldn't like what's underneath. But the reason I did this, is because I had no idea what love actually was. I thought love was about red roses and expensive dinners. I thought when two people loved each other, they woul...
Post a Comment
Read more

A Letter To You, My Love

Dear you, Distance is supposed to make the heart grow fonder right? Distance also tests us, and challenges us, and makes us say and do things we wish we could take back as soon as the words are said. The stubborn, selfish side of me says that my heart grows just as fond of you when I'm living 10 minutes away from you, not 2 hours. I hate being away from you. But the real side of me, the side you fell in love with, the selfless, the kind-hearted, the compassionate woman I am proud to be, knows this distance is going to be so worth it in the end. It's going to force us to put one another first in all circumstances. It's going to test our love, and make us prove how much the other person means to each other. It's going to show us whether or not we're really a priority in our busy lives. Communication and trust are key in making us work. Simple texts throughout the day, a random selfie, a late night unexpected phone call, and so much more become so precious and valu...
Post a Comment
Read more