Turning 18 has caused me to try and slam on my breaks and turn back time. To attempt to get back a childhood I felt left me too early in life. To try and find the version of myself that had this wild flare to her, and this drive and ambition that made her virtually unstoppable.
I was recently told that life and heartbreak caused me to go "dark" and it caught me off guard. Regardless of who told me this and where this person ranks on my nice list, I still was upset. I was upset and wondered if this is truly how people see me. Now the people I care most about and know me the best tell me this isn't true- but what about the image I'm putting out to the world? Do I come across as this cold, dark, heartless person?
I sit here and ask myself where that spark and passion went. Where did I lose my hopes and dreams to? Because at one point in time I was this amazingly beautiful and brilliant girl who let nothing and nobody hold her back. I looked danger right in the eyes and smiled. Now, I feel like a hallow shell compared to that version of me.
I was digging through all of my old memories that that younger version of myself created and I came across a list of things I wanted to do before I died:
1. Take a picture in front of the Hollywood sign
2. Get Married
3. Kiss my husband on top of the Eiffel Tower
4. Go snorkeling in the Great Barrier Reef
5. Climb the Himalayan Mountains
6. Go swimming with dolphins
7. Go skydiving
8. Go to the Ellen DeGeneres Show
9. Go cliff jumping
10. Go parasailing
11. Have someone surprise with a heart shaped pizza
12. Take a road trip and visit all 50 states
13. Spend New Years in Times Square with my husband
14. Get a small meaningful tattoo
15. Be in two places at once
16. Go dog sledding
17. Hold a baby lion
18. Be given a puppy as a present
19. Be kissed under the mistletoe
20. Watch all my children get married
21. Have my husband kiss my pregnant belly
22. Watch a sunset on the oceans beach
23. Get kissed in the rain
24. Visit the Walk of Fame
25. Have a picnic in Central Park
26. Change someone's life
27. See the Northern Lights
To this day, I still haven't been able to check any of these things off, some for more obvious reasons than the others. But the one thing these all have in common: I gave up trying to pursue and make all of these happen. One day, all those things will be wonderful memories, not just ideas.
But that ends today. The girl who came up with all of these grand ideas is still here, and I'm going to prove to everyone that it's true. My childhood might be coming to an end, but the little girl who has this fire and passion for life is still inside of me, and always will be.
I was recently told that life and heartbreak caused me to go "dark" and it caught me off guard. Regardless of who told me this and where this person ranks on my nice list, I still was upset. I was upset and wondered if this is truly how people see me. Now the people I care most about and know me the best tell me this isn't true- but what about the image I'm putting out to the world? Do I come across as this cold, dark, heartless person?
I sit here and ask myself where that spark and passion went. Where did I lose my hopes and dreams to? Because at one point in time I was this amazingly beautiful and brilliant girl who let nothing and nobody hold her back. I looked danger right in the eyes and smiled. Now, I feel like a hallow shell compared to that version of me.
I was digging through all of my old memories that that younger version of myself created and I came across a list of things I wanted to do before I died:
1. Take a picture in front of the Hollywood sign
2. Get Married
3. Kiss my husband on top of the Eiffel Tower
4. Go snorkeling in the Great Barrier Reef
5. Climb the Himalayan Mountains
6. Go swimming with dolphins
7. Go skydiving
8. Go to the Ellen DeGeneres Show
9. Go cliff jumping
10. Go parasailing
11. Have someone surprise with a heart shaped pizza
12. Take a road trip and visit all 50 states
13. Spend New Years in Times Square with my husband
14. Get a small meaningful tattoo
15. Be in two places at once
16. Go dog sledding
17. Hold a baby lion
18. Be given a puppy as a present
19. Be kissed under the mistletoe
20. Watch all my children get married
21. Have my husband kiss my pregnant belly
22. Watch a sunset on the oceans beach
23. Get kissed in the rain
24. Visit the Walk of Fame
25. Have a picnic in Central Park
26. Change someone's life
27. See the Northern Lights
To this day, I still haven't been able to check any of these things off, some for more obvious reasons than the others. But the one thing these all have in common: I gave up trying to pursue and make all of these happen. One day, all those things will be wonderful memories, not just ideas.
But that ends today. The girl who came up with all of these grand ideas is still here, and I'm going to prove to everyone that it's true. My childhood might be coming to an end, but the little girl who has this fire and passion for life is still inside of me, and always will be.
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