Skip to main content

Growing Up

Turning 18 has caused me to try and slam on my breaks and turn back time. To attempt to get back a childhood I felt left me too early in life. To try and find the version of myself that had this wild flare to her, and this drive and ambition that made her virtually unstoppable.

I was recently told that life and heartbreak caused me to go "dark" and it caught me off guard. Regardless of who told me this and where this person ranks on my nice list, I still was upset. I was upset and wondered if this is truly how people see me. Now the people I care most about and know me the best tell me this isn't true- but what about the image I'm putting out to the world? Do I come across as this cold, dark, heartless person?

I sit here and ask myself where that spark and passion went. Where did I lose my hopes and dreams to? Because at one point in time I was this amazingly beautiful and brilliant girl who let nothing and nobody hold her back. I looked danger right in the eyes and smiled. Now, I feel like a hallow shell compared to that version of me.

I was digging through all of my old memories that that younger version of myself created and I came across a list of things I wanted to do before I died:

1. Take a picture in front of the Hollywood sign
2. Get Married
3. Kiss my husband on top of the Eiffel Tower
4. Go snorkeling in the Great Barrier Reef
5. Climb the Himalayan Mountains
6. Go swimming with dolphins
7. Go skydiving
8. Go to the Ellen DeGeneres Show
9. Go cliff jumping
10. Go parasailing
11. Have someone surprise with a heart shaped pizza
12. Take a road trip and visit all 50 states
13. Spend New Years in Times Square with my husband
14. Get a small meaningful tattoo
15. Be in two places at once
16. Go dog sledding
17. Hold a baby lion
18. Be given a puppy as a present
19. Be kissed under the mistletoe
20. Watch all my children get married
21. Have my husband kiss my pregnant belly
22. Watch a sunset on the oceans beach
23. Get kissed in the rain
24. Visit the Walk of Fame
25. Have a picnic in Central Park
26. Change someone's life
27. See the Northern Lights


To this day, I still haven't been able to check any of these things off, some for more obvious reasons than the others. But the one thing these all have in common: I gave up trying to pursue and make all of these happen. One day, all those things will be wonderful memories, not just ideas.

But that ends today. The girl who came up with all of these grand ideas is still here, and I'm going to prove to everyone that it's true. My childhood might be coming to an end, but the little girl who has this fire and passion for life is still inside of me, and always will be.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Lessons Learned

18 years. 216 months. 936 weeks. 6750 days. 157680 hours. 9460800 minutes. 567648000 seconds. Life has a funny way of getting away from you really quickly. One minute you're 5 running around a farm chasing barn cats and feeding the goats, and the next minute you're crying over boys and getting ready to pack up everything and move away to college. But the thing I've come to realize is that life didn't change, you  changed. You might fall down, but you need to learn how to stand back up, brush it off, and never let the same thing knock you over twice. 1. People are temporary; So are feelings. It's a part of life. One of the hardest things I've had to learn how to deal with is how to say goodbye to people I didn't want to let go of, and hello to people I was skeptical about letting in. I didn't want to say goodbye because I was happy and content, and even if I wasn't all the time, it's still what I was used to, a...
Post a Comment
Read more

When It's Real

I've never been okay with myself. I've never liked what I've seen in the mirror. I've never accepted my body. I've always wondered what it feels like to be skinny, and thin, and wake up in the morning with cute pj's and messy hair, that 'just woke up look' and still have someone think I'm attractive. To have guys look at me and want to be my boyfriend, and have girls jealous of me as I walk past. I wonder what it feels like to feel my hipbones and collarbones, to feel confident in a bikini, to sit down and not feel fat everywhere, or rub out the thighs of all of my pants. I wonder what it's like to look in the mirror and like what I see. I spent most of my time running away from love because I was afraid they wouldn't like what's underneath. But the reason I did this, is because I had no idea what love actually was. I thought love was about red roses and expensive dinners. I thought when two people loved each other, they woul...
Post a Comment
Read more

Why It Makes It So Hard

Anxiety is the beginning stages of relationships. You struggle normally because you always seem to ruin something before it begins. It's staying up at night and tossing and turning because you wonder how someone feels. It's questioning if this is really something or if it is all in your head. Anxiety is being excited about a date but thinking they're going to cancel last minute. It's staring at your phone waiting for it to happen. It's every past relationship on repeat and hoping this one doesn't end the same way. It's an ending that emotionally destroys you. It's trying to handle it with grace and dignity but at the same time, you're in tears wondering when things changed, and where you went wrong. Anxiety tells you, "no, it's not that they were the wrong person, it's that you're flawed and not good enough." And you look at yourself, fixating on things you wish you could change because that's probably why it...
Post a Comment
Read more