Skip to main content

Growing Up

Turning 18 has caused me to try and slam on my breaks and turn back time. To attempt to get back a childhood I felt left me too early in life. To try and find the version of myself that had this wild flare to her, and this drive and ambition that made her virtually unstoppable.

I was recently told that life and heartbreak caused me to go "dark" and it caught me off guard. Regardless of who told me this and where this person ranks on my nice list, I still was upset. I was upset and wondered if this is truly how people see me. Now the people I care most about and know me the best tell me this isn't true- but what about the image I'm putting out to the world? Do I come across as this cold, dark, heartless person?

I sit here and ask myself where that spark and passion went. Where did I lose my hopes and dreams to? Because at one point in time I was this amazingly beautiful and brilliant girl who let nothing and nobody hold her back. I looked danger right in the eyes and smiled. Now, I feel like a hallow shell compared to that version of me.

I was digging through all of my old memories that that younger version of myself created and I came across a list of things I wanted to do before I died:

1. Take a picture in front of the Hollywood sign
2. Get Married
3. Kiss my husband on top of the Eiffel Tower
4. Go snorkeling in the Great Barrier Reef
5. Climb the Himalayan Mountains
6. Go swimming with dolphins
7. Go skydiving
8. Go to the Ellen DeGeneres Show
9. Go cliff jumping
10. Go parasailing
11. Have someone surprise with a heart shaped pizza
12. Take a road trip and visit all 50 states
13. Spend New Years in Times Square with my husband
14. Get a small meaningful tattoo
15. Be in two places at once
16. Go dog sledding
17. Hold a baby lion
18. Be given a puppy as a present
19. Be kissed under the mistletoe
20. Watch all my children get married
21. Have my husband kiss my pregnant belly
22. Watch a sunset on the oceans beach
23. Get kissed in the rain
24. Visit the Walk of Fame
25. Have a picnic in Central Park
26. Change someone's life
27. See the Northern Lights


To this day, I still haven't been able to check any of these things off, some for more obvious reasons than the others. But the one thing these all have in common: I gave up trying to pursue and make all of these happen. One day, all those things will be wonderful memories, not just ideas.

But that ends today. The girl who came up with all of these grand ideas is still here, and I'm going to prove to everyone that it's true. My childhood might be coming to an end, but the little girl who has this fire and passion for life is still inside of me, and always will be.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

An Open Letter To My Teacher

Dear Tess, While I've had many teachers throughout my life, none have brought as much meaning to my life as you have. Even though you aren't technically one of my teachers, you still manage to give me a life lesson every now and then, and for that, I'll always be grateful. You've taught me what it means to be a Christian. You're the one. The one who brought me back to my faith. The one who was persistent and showed compassion on me, even if I didn't deserve it. The one who made me step back and realize what a woman who loves God looks like. And I wanted to be just like you. Reaching out to me after the whirlwind year I went through, I didn't think much of your invitation. No way could I face God after what he put me through, but you showed and taught me what a loving God he is. He always has a purpose and will never leave one of his children in a time of need.  You've taught me what a woman is. I'm in such awe of you. The way you carr...
Post a Comment
Read more

When It's Real

I've never been okay with myself. I've never liked what I've seen in the mirror. I've never accepted my body. I've always wondered what it feels like to be skinny, and thin, and wake up in the morning with cute pj's and messy hair, that 'just woke up look' and still have someone think I'm attractive. To have guys look at me and want to be my boyfriend, and have girls jealous of me as I walk past. I wonder what it feels like to feel my hipbones and collarbones, to feel confident in a bikini, to sit down and not feel fat everywhere, or rub out the thighs of all of my pants. I wonder what it's like to look in the mirror and like what I see. I spent most of my time running away from love because I was afraid they wouldn't like what's underneath. But the reason I did this, is because I had no idea what love actually was. I thought love was about red roses and expensive dinners. I thought when two people loved each other, they woul...
Post a Comment
Read more

An Open Letter To The Child I Lost Along The Way

Dear Younger Me, There are so many things I wish I could tell you. So many secrets to life to whisper in your ears. So many bad memories to protect you from to try and keep your innocence just a little while longer. I look back and wonder where I lost you and when I became wrapped up in this mess called life. Some of my fondest memories come from you. From sneaking out of the house on the farm with the sole intent on crawling up into the the hay loft to spend endless hours with the kittens, to crawling under the cow fence to run through the meadow and be free. Life can be a tricky thing sometimes, but remembering these memories makes it a little easier to get through the hard days. Sometimes I think if I could go back in time and tell you what I've learned along the way, maybe I could spare you a heartbreak or two, and save you from growing up too early.  Yet the days without you inside me, it hurts just a little more. No longer do I sit down at the piano playing for hours ...
Post a Comment
Read more