Through Her Eyes

You didn't ask for this. Any of it. When you saw him for the very first time, walking in through the door, your souls connected. And everyone knows you can't break up with your soulmate. But then you ask yourself why it has to be so hard if you two are meant to be? Nothing about you two was ever normal. When you two first start dating, you knew in a matter of months, you'd be gone. So then maybe you start asking yourself what the point is. But darling, just stop and look and realize. Understand that even though you're 100+ miles away, he still talks about you with this burning passionate love for you that no one else has ever shown you. And just know that he isn't able to do the same things anymore either because you're gone, but he is still forced to drive past and be constantly reminded that you aren't with him. Realize that this separation is only making you two stronger. It's forcing you to continue falling in love with a perso

Dear you, Distance is supposed to make the heart grow fonder right? Distance also tests us, and challenges us, and makes us say and do things we wish we could take back as soon as the words are said. The stubborn, selfish side of me says that my heart grows just as fond of you when I'm living 10 minutes away from you, not 2 hours. I hate being away from you. But the real side of me, the side you fell in love with, the selfless, the kind-hearted, the compassionate woman I am proud to be, knows this distance is going to be so worth it in the end. It's going to force us to put one another first in all circumstances. It's going to test our love, and make us prove how much the other person means to each other. It's going to show us whether or not we're really a priority in our busy lives. Communication and trust are key in making us work. Simple texts throughout the day, a random selfie, a late night unexpected phone call, and so much more become so precious and valu

Home has always been the place where you feel you most belong and are accepted. Home can be so many different things to so many different people. But the thing I've come to learn, is that home isn't always a place. Home can be a thing you love, a certain scent or feeling, or a person you can't live without. I've become homesick for a place I'm not even sure exists even more, a place where I'm at peace and loved by him without a worry in the world. My home became him. And I worry that I will never completely be at home again, because my heart is constantly elsewhere. But, maybe that's the price you pay for allowing someone in. Then, all of a sudden you're in a place you're supposed to enjoy and fall in love with, but all you can think about is being home and how you're not there. You became my home because I left my heart with you while I was gone, knowing you would still be there with it when I got back. I miss you. I mi

Life has a way of sneaking up on you. One minute you're a little kid running around the playground without a care in the world. Then, you're a middle schooler who has just discovered black eye liner. But then suddenly, you become an adult and you're wrapping up four years of high school. And you realize that in the blink of an eye, you're not a kid anymore, and you're heading out into the real world to try and make it on your own. You're torn. You want to be happy because of everything you accomplished to get you across the graduation stage. But, you're also sad, because you feel as though you didn't get a chance to do everything you wanted and you want a second chance, a do over. But hear me when I say this: It isn't the end, it's only the beginning. You will have more chances to do what you wanted with who you wanted. You'll have an entire lifetime to love on whomever you want, and there will come a time when it an be wh

Anxiety is the beginning stages of relationships. You struggle normally because you always seem to ruin something before it begins. It's staying up at night and tossing and turning because you wonder how someone feels. It's questioning if this is really something or if it is all in your head. Anxiety is being excited about a date but thinking they're going to cancel last minute. It's staring at your phone waiting for it to happen. It's every past relationship on repeat and hoping this one doesn't end the same way. It's an ending that emotionally destroys you. It's trying to handle it with grace and dignity but at the same time, you're in tears wondering when things changed, and where you went wrong. Anxiety tells you, "no, it's not that they were the wrong person, it's that you're flawed and not good enough." And you look at yourself, fixating on things you wish you could change because that's probably why it

I'm sorry. You had to learn from an early age what a broken heart feels like and what that exactly meant. And because you love just a little harder than everyone else, you felt the world stop spinning when you got your heart broken. You have so much love to give and you dive into relationships heart first. You are entirely committed from the start and are fiercely loyal. You give up so much, just to see the other person smile. But the secret is, you don't love too hard. You expect the same love that you give. And maybe the world is just too sad of a place to give out that kind of love, and you're just a blessing that somehow slipped through the cracks of heaven. You go through life giving so much, you quickly burn yourself out when you don't receive any of it back. And then you wonder if maybe you're just too hard to love. You wonder if you aren't meant to be with anyone. You wonder if no one out there can always make you feel the way you

As I look out into the ocean, and see the beauty of the sunset painted across the sky, and feel the wind blow through my hair, and feel the sand in between my toes, I'm left in awe. I'm in awe that a God so magnificent and mighty thought to create something so breathtaking, and with such great detail. He created an entire ocean, and I stand at its shores feeling so incredibly minute compared to it. He painted the evening skies with such elegant and mesmerizing colors and I'm thankful he gave me working eyes and colored vision to enjoy his work with. But what really struck me, was that the same God who created that spectacular view, who thought of and created all the hundreds of different creatures living in the ocean, and who at one point in time separated an entire ocean, thought that the world needed one of me.

I've never been okay with myself. I've never liked what I've seen in the mirror. I've never accepted my body. I've always wondered what it feels like to be skinny, and thin, and wake up in the morning with cute pj's and messy hair, that 'just woke up look' and still have someone think I'm attractive. To have guys look at me and want to be my boyfriend, and have girls jealous of me as I walk past. I wonder what it feels like to feel my hipbones and collarbones, to feel confident in a bikini, to sit down and not feel fat everywhere, or rub out the thighs of all of my pants. I wonder what it's like to look in the mirror and like what I see. I spent most of my time running away from love because I was afraid they wouldn't like what's underneath. But the reason I did this, is because I had no idea what love actually was. I thought love was about red roses and expensive dinners. I thought when two people loved each other, they woul

Turning 18 has caused me to try and slam on my breaks and turn back time. To attempt to get back a childhood I felt left me too early in life. To try and find the version of myself that had this wild flare to her, and this drive and ambition that made her virtually unstoppable. I was recently told that life and heartbreak caused me to go "dark" and it caught me off guard. Regardless of who told me this and where this person ranks on my nice list, I still was upset. I was upset and wondered if this is truly how people see me. Now the people I care most about and know me the best tell me this isn't true- but what about the image I'm putting out to the world? Do I come across as this cold, dark, heartless person? I sit here and ask myself where that spark and passion went. Where did I lose my hopes and dreams to? Because at one point in time I was this amazingly beautiful and brilliant girl who let nothing and nobody hold her back. I looked danger right in the eyes a

18 years. 216 months. 936 weeks. 6750 days. 157680 hours. 9460800 minutes. 567648000 seconds. Life has a funny way of getting away from you really quickly. One minute you're 5 running around a farm chasing barn cats and feeding the goats, and the next minute you're crying over boys and getting ready to pack up everything and move away to college. But the thing I've come to realize is that life didn't change, you  changed. You might fall down, but you need to learn how to stand back up, brush it off, and never let the same thing knock you over twice. 1. People are temporary; So are feelings. It's a part of life. One of the hardest things I've had to learn how to deal with is how to say goodbye to people I didn't want to let go of, and hello to people I was skeptical about letting in. I didn't want to say goodbye because I was happy and content, and even if I wasn't all the time, it's still what I was used to, a

Meeting you was the happiest coincidence of my whole entire life. Our story has been this epic whirlwind love story, set in high speed motion since the day I first laid eyes on you. Meeting you might have been a blissful accident, but getting to know you was a choice. And after getting to see your heart, all the feelings that came from that felt so right. I fell for you for so many different reasons, each one melts my heart more than the last. You see me for me and for whats in my heart. I don't have to hide anything from you or fake it. The reason you like me is for my heart, and honestly, what more could a girl want from a guy?! You have this passion and love for Jesus and it's so contagious. I see the way people respond when you get in front of the room and talk about how great your Savior is. Or how you get up and play your guitar singing to Jesus, and create a truly amazing worship experience for those watching you. You have a gift, my darling. And I hope an

Our beginning was nothing short of a Rom-Com gone wrong. When I first learned your name all the way back in freshman year, you were just the girl who stole my very first boyfriend of 48 hours away from me. I was crushed. Devastated. I wanted nothing more than for you to disappear. Little did I know how quickly things would change. Shortly after he dumped you, I decided it would be better to form an alliance against him, rather than one another. And we instantly clicked. The two of us bonded over our mutual hatred of this boy who played us real good. But after that short lived fun died out, we slowly started going our separate ways. And then just like that, freshman year ended. I barely had three conversations with you all summer, but I never stopped thinking about our fun that we had freshman year. You had become my first real friend, and you made high school seem not so bad after all. And as fate would have it, we ended up spending first and second hour of our sophomore year, shar

Life can make you cringe from time to time. Whether it's wrong words spoken at the totally wrong times or awkward hugs that were supposed to be handshakes. It's inevitable. You're going to have regrets in life. Things you beat yourself up over, wishing you could go back in time and do it all over. Or you wish that you could take back what you said or did, or finally say something you had been holding in. And it's hard. Feeling like you left things unsaid or broken. Feeling like you ruined everything and it could never possibly be the same. When you're alone at the end of every single day with only your thoughts, you think. You overthink until eventually the only things you can think about are the things that have  or could  go wrong. It makes you forget all the things that have or could go right. I've been here all too often. I know the pain of lying awake all night beating yourself up for something you said or did, th

Life is a game. And in order to make it through life, you need to figure out how that game is played. But just when you think you're starting to figure out how to play, the rules get changed up on you once more. It becomes this cruel game, that makes you continue to prove your worth to everyone time and time again. It's as if all eyes are constantly on you, waiting for you to screw up, just so they can laugh and rub it in. But what do you do when even your best isn't good enough? Good enough to graduate at the top of your class. Good enough to be chosen first. Good enough to date that special someone. Good enough to feel good about yourself. Sometimes I need to remind myself that some days, my best won't be good enough. And I need to learn that it's okay. Sometimes I need to remind myself that my worth isn't defined by those around me, but by my Savior. And he thinks I am worth more than all the riches in the world. Life may be a game, b

Emotions are hard, and often times messy. Everyone has them, but sometimes they don't want to show them. Most people are taught that to make it through life untouched, you have to be resilient and brave. You have to learn from early age how not to let words hurt and affect you. You have to learn how to not feel. I was taught from an early age how to be self-reliant and depend on no one but myself. I was told to keep my problems to myself, because people didn't really want to hear them. And as a result, I learned from a very young age how to only cry behind a closed door, with the lights off, and without making a sound so no one heard. I learned how to fake a smile and politely nod my head. I learned how to turn off my real emotions and turn on the ones people would rather see. And since then, never have I felt so alone at times in a crowded room. Feeling like no one could possibly understand my pain and struggles and relate.  I still feel that way.

You will never think that it's the last time. That you'll always have another chance. One more time to say how you really feel. One more time to kiss the person you care so much about. One more time to do all the things you said you would do the next time. But that's not how life works. Nor will it ever work that way. When it comes down to the end, we're all going to be begging for just a little bit more. And oh how it hurts. I get it. I've been  there. The pain that comes from not having as much time as you thought is sometimes so unbearable you don't think you can possibly take one step forward, but you manage to somehow fall three steps back. Life is full of chances and choices. It's what you do with those things that end up shaping your own life, and the life of those around you. See, for every chance you are given in life, there is a choice that needs to be made with it. And it's what's you choose, that either makes or brea

Life is scary and messy. You were thrown into this world, forced to make the most of it, without any warning or any guide. If only there was a rule book, oh how much easier things would be. But I think sometimes people have it wrong. Life is so scary, but not living scares me even more. And I believe there can be beautiful kinds of messes. People apologize for being a mess and not having it all together but, there's always good kinds of messes all around. Messy lipstick from sloppy kisses, messy hair from careless fingers running through that hair you can't help resist smelling and playing with, messy laughs from awkward moments made with special people, messy hearts from complicated lives.  People always find a way to get tangled up with one another and it is always messy, but it is so very beautiful.  Since when did being a mess become a bad thing? Because to me, it's proof that you're out making the most of your life. Sure it's not going to be

It's hard, I know. Staying strong seems like an impossible thing to do in that moment. It feels as though the world around you started spinning the other way. But hear me and believe me when I say it; Giving up is never, ever the answer. Navigating any relationship is tricky business, but trying to make your way through a relationship that has every reason to fail is a whole different story. But, if you aren't in your corner fighting for it to work, then who is? Your relationship needs no one's validation but your own. Your relationship needs no one's approval but your own. Taking that first step across the threshold from friends to more is exciting and refreshing. Living in the moment and making memories inside that bubble you two had created is priceless. But when the bubble bursts and the excitement fades like it eventually will, what happens next? What do you do when you're flooded with a multitude of people, each one having a different

Faith. Hope. Love. It seems as though you can't have one without the other two. And just when you think you have the upper hand in truly understanding those three words, something happens and changes your perspective on their meaning once more. Faith is something you can either learn to run from or embrace. Faith is placing your trust into something much bigger than you or I could ever imagine. Faith isn't just putting your all into God and praying things work out for the best. It's also about having and keeping that faith throughout your everyday life. Putting your faith into the people who surround your life. It means you have to completely rely and trust in someone other than yourself. Faith is something I believe many people have, yet don't understand. It is a constant feeling of calm in your life, even when your life is anything but calm. It's this reassurance that things will eventually be okay, even if those problems seem too big to handle at t