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When Things Go From Black And White To Gray

Dear sweet girl,

Life is a funny thing. It dangles something great in front of you, waiting for you to become crazy over it, and then takes it away, without any warning. Or worse, it leaves this really great thing in your life, only you can't have it the way you want it.

You are a special kind of blessing on this earth. You love passionately and hard. You play it on the safe side to try and protect that delicate heart that already knows heartbreak all too well. You take all the necessary precautions to ensure that you won't get hurt, but it stills happens. You fall for a guy even though you didn't intend to. You know you shouldn't like him, but you do.

When life gives you the perfect guy in the form of a friend, do you break the rules and try and make him yours, or play it safe and watch him get hurt by someone because they aren't you?

 It's cruel and unfair. We're literally the same person split in two, and all we'll probably ever be is just friends. And the sad thing is, he's the best friend I'll ever have, which makes the entire thing so bittersweet.

 It leaves you with an impossible question: When the time comes to walk away, is it settling for someone less right for you, or is it moving on?

And that's why it hurts so badly. I hate myself for feeling like I'm giving up on a potentially amazing relationship; one filled with many amazing memories. I tell myself that I would never be able to find someone as right for me as him, and in some ways, I may be right.

I'm terrified to know what might happen if he knew. Would he tell me he has always felt the same way, or did I just ruin an amazing friendship? Things could never change because the unknown of all this scares me more than actually just telling him. Would I like more? Sure, but I would never jeopardize our friendship for a relationship that could fail, resulting in losing a best friend and a boyfriend.

But right now, I'm okay and content with how things are. I care and love him enough to respect our friendship and not cross the line. I'll always be his best friend that he can rant to about his girl drama and listen to him say time after time how he could never be with a girl that has a flaw like some of mine. And little by little, I feel like I build up the strength to only be friends, and then he says or does something, and it knocks me off my feet once more.


Love,
That same sweet girl with the same fragile heart






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